My dad died three weeks ago, the day before Thanksgiving, just as everyone was getting excited for turkey dinners and Christmas. His health had been declining for a few years, but we were not expecting his death so soon. I’ve found myself struggling with a roller-coaster of emotions. I opened a Christmas card today from my mom, she signed it “love mommy and daddy”, and I wept. If she had only signed mom, the absence of my dad would have still made me cry. I’ve discovered that I can’t watch some of the Christmas movies that I usually watch, they highlight dads and sons, it just hurts too bad. I drove by a place where we used to go fishing and burst into tears. I was in a restaurant and a man walked by that reminded me of my dad and I wept. I have dreamed about him numerous nights since his passing. I’ve been told that all of this is normal.
All my memories of Christmas have always included my dad. I’ve tried to focus on the fact that my dad is with the Lord and having his best Christmas ever. Christmas is supposed to be the happiest time of year, but it can also be quite sad for people who have lost loved ones. I know many others struggle this time of year. I’m watching my mom as she deals with the loss of her husband. I just wanted to share some thoughts and some things I’m learning and have observed as I’ve counseled people who have suffered the crisis of the death of a loved one.
To All Those Who Have Lost A Loved One
I hope that maybe some of this will help you now and, in the days ahead. I know that you feel as you have no future. That’s how you “feel”, but that is not true. You do have a future. When tragedy strikes, it can rob your sense of hope and belief in a future. It tampers with your ability to believe in the best that life can offer. I know it’s hard to be optimistic when you know the worst-case scenario not only can happen but already has happened. Remember what the Bible says in Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. In spite of what has happened, God still has plans for you and those plans are good, those plans include hope and a future, your future.
First, you must keep dealing with the grief and this may take a while. Loss is a powerful thing that can’t be swept under the rug. It’s important to talk to someone to sort out your feelings. Talking it out with someone who has also lost a loved one can help you through this process. You don’t have to go it alone. Eventually, you’ll find your way back to happiness again. This will no longer hold you prisoner; the fear will give way to freedom and you will enjoy life again.
I have counseled with many people over the years
that have lost someone they loved, a spouse, a child, and I’ve heard people
tell them that they will “get over it”. This
is really bad advice. I’ve learned that
they don’t really “get over it”. How can
you just “get over” someone you loved? I
don’t think you can, I don’t think you’re supposed to get over them. Instead, you receive healing from the
Lord. He is the healer of the broken
heart. You will move on, move
forward. Trusting in the goodness of God
is part of that. Instead of dreading the
next calamity, your hope for joy, happiness and a future will return. I know it’s difficult, but I also know it’s
possible. When
you lose someone you love, it seems like (for a while) that grief has total
control of you. Some days you’ll wonder
if you will ever feel normal again, like you did before this happened.
Secondly, give yourself a lot of space. When
you lose someone you love, parts of you kinda go crazy. That’s OK, even normal. Your emotions are on a rollercoaster. Let them go crazy. Cry when you need to cry, laugh when you
remember something funny your loved one said or did. Let the people around you know what you need. They love you; just let them know how to
help. Give your heart a break, do something
you like, it won’t make the pain go away, but it will give your heart a much-needed
break.
Stop trying to avoid the feelings of grief, lean into them. It is not the grief you want to avoid, it is the pain. Grief is the way out of the pain. Grief is our internal feelings and mourning is our external expressions. It’s ok to greive. Like our family, many will experience their first Christmas without their loved one. I don’t know who you lost, but I know it hurts. I feel that pain. I know you think of them constantly and wish you could talk to them. I’m sorry you are grieving too. The main encouragement I have for you is this: you’re not alone. God is with you, He will never leave you, He will never forsake you. You will get through this is Jesus name.
I personally know 3 people that need this message right now. Thank you for being transparent. We love you Pastor Dell and wish you happiness which as you said, you will have eventually, in the future.
Totally understand. I lost my daughter 9 years ago and that is something no parent should have to experience. Autumn was born with brain damage and needed constant care all her life. She couldn’t speak, but I could see so much in her eyes and facial expression. Coming home from work then feeding and holding Autumn was something I always looked forward to; that was our bonding time. Something I miss to this day. Taking care of someone you love is never work or a chore.
I miss Autumn so much, but I would never wish her back, cause I know someone more able than me is now taking care of my most precious love and she is more happier than I could ever make her here in this life. And that is what true love is all about…..wanting the best for the ones you love.
I know it’s hard losing a loved. It’s especially hard atound the holidays. I lost my dad a few years ago and my mother has alziemers and dementia so it feels like i lost her years ago as well. Although I have many good memories with both of them it helps me to cope with my loss . Life is so short we need to value every precious moment we have left with the people we love. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family during this most difficult time. Praise God that we will have another oppertunity to be joined with our loved ones again one day for eternity. What a wonderful day that will be.
Dale I am so sorry you and your family have to spend Christmas without your dad. No time does not heal the loss but Jesus does take this journey with you and His strength is definitely made perfect on this walk . Keep a strong heart . Remember my family during this time please . We miss Rickey so much. God bless you🙏
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Your dad might be gone, but the memories of him will live on forever. How wonderful that you had the oppertunity to do things with your dad that you can sit and think back on, thankfully you can share those memories with your family, and friends. Not everyone is as fortunate. Family is everything! You are truely blessed. Life is short, that’s why it is so important to value everyday you have with those you love. Building lots of memories that you can hold on to whenever they are gone. Special moments are priceless! God bless!
Thank you for honest thoughts on this process. I keep you in my prayers daily as you live through this process. I lost my mom a little over 2 years ago and I still get tripped up by emotions when I think about her. It has been especially hard to watch my dad deal with his tremendous loss and also watch him get weaker and start to have memory issues. He is 87 now and I know time keeps on going. I try to spend time with him weekly which can be a challenge with my business commitment. Anyway, may God bless your reminders of your father and help you be there for your mother as she works through her grief.
Good morning Pastor…thanks for the encouraging words! I’m sorry your hurting. It is so painful. Someone once whispered in my ear at a time of my greatest loss that the pain and emotions would come in waves like the ocean and that really helped me so much just knowing with God’s hand on me that I would get through this!!! A wise, famous preacher once said our memory is a gift from God to us. I say of this cup of good memories, drink long and drink often!! Today 7 years ago on December 14th 2011, Laura went home to reward and new body…I still remember you coming to see me!!! Thank you for caring and just being there for June! I love you Pastor! I am always here for you if you just need someone to talk with and listen….
Thank you Pastor for this special word. I don’t think no one can understand how you feel unless they have lost someone. It took me a couple of years to get over my mom. We buried her on Valentine’s Day in 2010 and that day I always think of her. But not just then, but on many occasions. The day someone passes will always be remembered. My mom loved buttermilk with cornbread crumbled in it. I don’t eat that often much, but the other day I did and the whole time I’m thinking of her and how she ate it often and was happy. Its so soon for you daddy, but it gets easier over time. And you will remember more good things about them and not just their death. I’m sorry for your loss. And praying peace for you and your family. Have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Love you all❤❤
Beautiful, sound advice! Your openness about how this affects you as a person though you are our Shepherd gives insight into how to effectively cover you as we seek to ‘lift one another’s burdens’, which we are all called to do. It is so comforting to know that the emotions we walk through in life (even if they are pretty much inevitable), it is ok to allow them to pass on through us and give ourselves space to be made whole again by Grace.
I will say it doesn’t really matter in the end what the circumstances are involved when we lose that person….I have lost mine in several different ways…my older brother (in 1980, he was 30 years old) was murdered by someone he thought was a friend, my Dad (in 1985, 73 years old) passed with a heart attack after slowing down for many years and several heart attacks, my Mom passed away (at 94 years old on New Years Eve morning of 2013) after having Alzheimer’s for several years (12?) a very slow progression. I don’t say this for sympathy nor to take away at all from your experience, I am just saying His love and Grace truly do comfort, heal and sustain you through it all. I sometimes still have thoughts of wanting to share with that person in the flesh so I just talk to them a moment in my spirit and trust I will see them again one day…
I appreciate you and Jill very much though I don’t say it to you often…thank you so much for all your watchcare over this flock you were given….you have been through a lot these last few years and much of it tough to walk through but you have been and will continue to be Victor due to your intimate relationship with Him!
We love you Apostle. We regret not being there for you the way that we should have. There is so much more that we could have done and we dropped the ball. We apologize. Dexter was just talking about your dad yesterday and how he would always come up to Dexter and say “how are you feeling” knowing that he was not feeling good himself. He was a humble, kind and loving man. Apostle, you and him have a lot in common. You have an AWESOME wife. I love me some Jill! You have a wonderful family and I just want to encourage you to continue to hear from God and bringing us the good news. I can image God patting your father on the back as you preach the word saying “Look at Our son, we did a Good job. We love you.
Love the Washington’s